Unhappy New Year

[Deesy]

Last Xmas and New Year I was nearly 43 (my first ever pg and only child) and full of the joy of carrying my wee 15 week old son - only weeks later it all came crashing down when he was confirmed Edwards - with the clock ticking out of control we went thru the gruelling decision to terminate to have the best possible chance to have a child with a real chance at life.

After 7 inseminations this year (husband had a V too long ago) we had a boundary which was Dec 31st and also a $ boundary - Dec we threw everything at it and used my DH sperm and had a round of IVF - I responded really well for my age - 8 eggs, 4 good mature ones - and whammo phone call the next day that non had fertilised (using ICSI) - NONE!! - It doesnt happen often - but it happened to us. And that was us blown out of the water -

I am devastated - broken hearted and ridden with the sickness of the fact that I have an empty cradle - Alexander was such a great gift it never occured to me that I would not conceive again as I had conceived so easily with him - I miss him so terribly, and I know there are plenty of you lovely Mummies here who know about the grief of a chromosonal Abnormality whatever course you take - its probably the hardest thing you can go thru in your life.

Of course in my grief I am bargining with the universe and begging for a mircle for a lotto win or rich uncle to die - my counsellor says its normal - DH is 50 this August and has 3 kids of his own ( we have two week about) but we had an agreement - I just cant beleive that the dream is over and am just lost thinking about being in the world without a child and the pain of losing Alex is diabolocal as now I have no hope either.

I am sorry this is a very dark message - but I am so sad. I never like to wish my life away but I was very glad for New Years Eve (here in NZ) so that I could put a lid of the worst year of my life (God I hope so!)

I have that 2009 brings blessings and joy to us all - especially those of us who have know the loss.

xx Dee

[Helena]

Oh Dee I just don't know what to say - everything is inadequate. All I can do is say I am thinking of you ((((((Dee))))) Hoping for a miracle for you and bless little Alexander.

[Liz1967]

(((Dee)))

Your post has me in tears, I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. I woke up feeling very down and fed up about a number of things which seemed pretty huge to me, but compared to your suffering they are just minor things.

Life is so cruel at times, DP has a nephew who spawns (is that the right word?) children effortlessly with various partners, only for the kiddies to end up in care, or left with their mums, while he walks away and creates a few more mouths to feed.

I will keep you in my prayers for that lotto win, inheritance or miracle of nature.

I hope you find peace and that 2009 is a much happier year for you.

Much love
Liz
xx

[Eaton]

Dee,

I know what you are going through.. I had the same thing back in june 08 and so wished I hadn't terminated. Jack would have been born on christmas day. He had downs syndrome.

When we are faced with these deceisions they are very hard to make and as all the girls on here have said, there is no wrong or right deceision. You have to go with your heart at the time. I am also ttc at the moment... but I don't hold much hope to be honest.

Hope all your wishes come true for you in 2009.

Love
Tina

[pink3times]

Thinking of you Dee, no words would ever be adequate in relation to your loss of Alexander. Hoping you get your little miracle and 2009 is a better year.
love Becxxx

[Allie]

Dee
Bless you honey, I was so moved by your post & I'm so glad you felt able to share

I'm so sorry for your loss of Alexander, and your subsequent unsuccessful treatment must have seemed like too much to bear ... huge hugs to you
Like you, I still have the unfulfilled longing for my own child it is something you never 'get over' I know.
I wish your dreams may come true in 2009

with love Allie xx