I still question myself

[Eaton]

I have tried not to think about this and wasn't going to post but I feel I haven't got myself sorted emotionally yet. Today when I took Nicola swimming we had a lovely time. She swam for the first time by herself (with armbands) but and as I say BUT

when we left it was the start of the disabled swimming and there was this loveing so beautiful boy there about to go in who was down syndrome. I looked at him and he smiled back, all I could think was, what did his mum think when she had him....???? What would that lad think of me if he knew exactly what I had done...

All I can think is WHY? Why did I do it....This is when I can't cope..

I know everyone will say I did it for Jack but this is when I think "NO" I did it for me....

[raccioc]

Aw Tina,

I am so sorry you are feeling so awful. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through so don't think I can be of very much help. All I can say is that you did what you did becuase you thought that was the best thing at the time, and that is all any of us can do.

I really do not know what I would have done in your position, really I don't.

I am sorry I am not too sure what else to say, but we are all here for you to help you through. I hope someone else who has been through similar will come on here and offer some words of wisdom. I am pretty sure there must be someone....

Rachel

[Clareok]

Tina

Have you ever had counselling? I do wonder if it would help to talk to someone who will just listen sympathetically.

I wish I could find words of wisdom - all I know is that you did what you felt was best at the time, and it's SUCH a traumatic thing to have gone through that it truly is no surprise that you are feeling the way you do. I am just so incredibly sorry that this had to happen in the first place

Lots of love
Clare
x

[*julie*]

Tina, you must try to be kind to yourself. It's still such a short time since you lost Jack and you can't expect to come to terms with something like this in a hurry. Obviously you'll never get over it, but you will learn to live with it.

About 6 years ago a friend of mine made the same decision as you. She works with disabled adults and decided that she didn't want to have a disabled child. It was a very hard decision, but she felt it was right for her, her husband, her little boy & her unborn baby. She saw how difficult it could be for a disabled adult & didn't want that for her child. Once she had had the termination many people expected her to be 'back to normal' almost straight away. She found it so hard as she was expected to carry on with her life & so few people even acknowledged that she's lost a baby.
What helped her most was talking about her son with people who would listen, even if they didn't know what to say. Most of her family acted (and still act) as if she'd never had him.

She regretted it for a long time and is was so hard to watch her suffer, but now she is 'OK' about it. She still likes to talk about her son, but does so with pride, just like she does with her living son.

You will get there Tina, but you have to give yourself time.

Julie
xx

[Baltimore Mom]

Hugs Tina:

I can't add much to what the other ladies have said. I can't imagine what you are going through. I agree with Julie, talking about him can be so healing. When my grandniece died last spring, my niece would spend hours talking about her to friends and family and although most of us didn't know exactly what to say, it helped with her grief. Are there support groups in your area for parents who have experienced what you have? Be gentle with yourself.

Love,
Karen

[Helena]

((((Tina))))

I agree with others that talking about Jack would maybe help...counselling is a good idea as Clare suggested. You have been through such a terrible thing. Thinking of you xx

[Pandora]

Tina

I can't add much more to what has been said, but I just wanted to give you my support at a time when some people have felt that this site has been a bit lacking in it.
All I would say is try to be kind to yourself. You did what you thought was right at a very difficult time and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. No-one has the right to judge you on it.
Also, I would second (or should it be third) Clare's suggestion about counselling. I honestly think that talking to the right, trained person about it could help you a great deal.
(((((Hugs))))))

Gillian xx

[nattiej]

I don't know what to say to you. I would have made the same decision as you - I know that may upset some people. I would make the decision on what is best for everyone - I wouldn't want a child left behind after we are gone who would possibly end up in care for the rest of their days etc. But I do understand peoples decisions otherwise.

You made a difficult decision but it is not one that you will ever get over sadly.

I agree that some counselling could help you.

Natalie
x

[Eaton]

thanks Ladies,

I think I do need to talk to someone but I just can't get myself to do it. I have registered with different sites but can't open up to them.. ARC uk, Care confidential etc but I can't open up..

I am keeping my sadness from Nige, use my eye condition for the red eyes and my sisters are no help. They basicly told me to get on with life, not visit the cemetary. I told my eldest sister she has a miscarriage at 6 weeks and that was 20 odd years ago and she still talks about it how does she expect me to feel not 9 months later. But hey, they know better.....

I am trying to be strong, but I really do have bad days. I feel for the poor ladies that had the joy to know their babies like Bernie and Liz and then had to loose them. Those precious moments ladies treasure forever.

Thank you very much for your support.

Love
Tina

[Joybp]

Tina

This wasn't a decision you took lightly. You looked into all the possibilities about what having a child with Downs would do to you and your family and you came to your decision.

I know it is hard but you made that decision based on your circumstances. If you had decided to have Jack than that swimming session with Nicola wouldn't have happened because you would have been coping with another child.

As the other ladies have said, you might benefit from talking to somebody. I think more than anything you are burdened with a great sense of guilt and that definitely isn't helping.

Take care my friend



Joy
~ x ~